Do you ever think about the power of the words you choose? How they can impact your business, your life, and the outcomes you desire?”
Let’s take, for instance, you intentionality when meeting with a client or prospect? Or, perhaps a first date?
Usually you focus entirely on the outcome so you rehearse what you want to say and how you want to deliver that message, right? You prep and plan and try to find the right words. You guide the conversation at times, forcing your agenda, and steering the dialogue towards the outcome you want.
You tend to pause purposefully when engaged in this type of conversation, and you stop to ask clarifying questions along the way. You likely are quite present and intentional when interacting in this space.
But, how often are really intentional about the words and frames you choose for yourself? How about in your business? Your leadership?
My guess is probably very little or not at all.
You see, we tend to be on autopilot with ourselves. We perpetuate negative self-sabotage, or berate ourselves repeatedly and unnecessarily. We never get clear about what we really want, thus never creating the purposeful inspired action to call it forth.
Why is that?
Don’t you deserve (aren’t you worthy) to be given the same consideration as your clients and prospects, or the strangers you talk to in passing?
YES! And, a resounding hell YES to that!
Sometimes, a simple tweak or change to word or phrase can be enough to change your mindset, and change our energy.
Now, I think we all understand the effect of negative self-talk, and if we’re being really honest with ourselves, we also know that we have fallen prey to it’s devious undermining. For, I know very people who haven’t experience some level of negative self-talk in their lives.
While that unfortunately is the reality that lives within our culture, two sides of the same coin: self-deprecating all over ourselves or a sense of over-entitlement. Either way, these energies stem from a feeling on being unworthy or not enough. And, we brainwash ourselves when we keep the endless barrage of negative self-talk on unconscious repeat.
What I want to dig in with you today is the unconscious patterns, filters and frames you might not be aware are getting in your way and holding you back. This goes beyond the self-talk we are aware of, and taps into common language and sayings we use almost every day.
Before we do that, let’s break down what the actual N.O.I.S.E. is:
- N: Negative Self-Talk, Filters and Frames
- O: Opinions You Choose to Internalize
- I: Inefficiencies You Create in Your Every Activities
- S: Shoulding and Shaming All Over Yourself
- E: Excuses You Create and Perpetuate
So, in Part 1, we will break down three of the contexts in which the “N” or the Negative Self-Talk, Filters, and Frames are potentially getting in your way, holding you back, and keeping you playing small.
Sabotaging Yourself with the I’m Sorry Syndrome
Are you guilty of the endless need to say “I’m sorry” in your conversations with others? Do you start your sentences with that phrase. If so, welcome to what I call the “I’m Sorry” Syndrome.
This is that space derived from deep-seated conditioning to be nice, and to people-please. It’s debilitating and actually strips away our own power when we fall prey to it. You diminish yourself when you apologize for simply being and taking up space.
And, you create an inadvertent power play when you do.
Because there is a big difference between “I’m sorry” and “I apologize.” The former implies a lack of worthiness. Take the phrase “I’m” meaning “I am” — making note that “I am” is the two most powerful words we have. What we express after the “I am” sets the tone for our energy and what we believe. And, it creates a lasting imprint.
Our mind doesn’t know the difference between real and imagined, it only knows what we tell it repeatedly, and what we continually imprint upon it.
Not to mention, when we look at the word sorry — a descriptor for a state or condition of something. Think about where else you use that word: that’s a sorry piece of something, it’s a sorry state of affairs. Anyway in which we use the word, the energy is low vibe and limiting. It’s a negative word.
So, then put together “I am” and “sorry” and you have an unconscious narrative that you keep programming into your brain. Your mind hears “I am sorry” on repeat. Over, and over, again.
Wow, talk about creating a limiting mindset (even if you are unaware of it).
Now, let’s take the phrase, “I apologize.” First, we see that there is a verb versus a descriptor. We can feel the power of the word “apologize.”
When we choose to use the statement, “I apologize” we indicate a recognition that we are out of integrity, and that we did something we need to take responsibility for. There’s a level of ownership that offers, “I know I did something wrong, or out of alignment, and I am willing to do what is needed to rectify my decisions.”
Where “I’m sorry” is debilitating and shifts our power, “I apologize” is both empowering and expansive. It comes from a place of awareness, ownership, and accountability.
The next time you catch yourself letting the mindless “I’m sorry” fly, immediately replace it with “I apologize.” You will see the difference in a instant, and you will know whether you actually want to take ownership and offer a resolution … or, if you’re like me, you meant to disrupt and shake up the apple cart.
When I choose to be intentional, I know some of what I say will trigger others. It’s part of my part and Soul Purpose. I am a tree shaker, a shit stirrer, and a deliberate disrupter. I am here to help people move out of their comfort zone and “nudge” them into something more expansive.
Once I stopped saying “I’m sorry,” I was able to stand in my own power, and my sovereignty, to use my voice and express the fullness of who I am.
Talk about being aligned AF!
The Energy of Just … and, Not Yet
Another limiting context is when we toss out the notorious “just” in conversation (even the ones in our own heads). When we “just” all over ourselves, we immediately knock ourselves down a few pegs.
We say things like, “I’m just a newbie, I’m just started, I’m just the baby of the family, “I’m jut the old guy on the team.” — whatever we choose to “just,” we create this energy that says I am not enough or worthy of the space we’re in, or to be in the company of the people we’re with.
We put an arbitrary ceiling on our own capabilities, and dminish our capacity for more. We stifle our own potential and, as Gay Hendricks calls it in his book, Big Leap, we create an upper limit.
So, I want you to explore where your glass ceiling is. Where are you short-changing yourself and your own potential? In what ways have you convinced yourself your “just” this or that.
Imagine if you released those shackles and broke through that ceiling. What would be possible for your life, your business, and your leadership when you do? Can you imagine the possibilities available to you?
Is Your Big BUT Getting in the Way
This question always gets a laugh and sometimes shocked response from my audience in my speaking engagements and presentation. I love to ask this question as I usually can tell who is paying attention and who’s not.
So, I am asking you that question now: Is your big BUT getting in your way?
Meaning, your big, fat, juicy “yeah, but” — the ultimate conversation stopper. The catalyst that shuts a conversation down, and ends all engagement. Consider how you feel when you are sharing an idea that you’re passionate about or offering a solution to something, when the person you’re talking with says “yeah, but.”
How do you feel?
Do you feel good? Do you get angry? Do you feel shut down?
Is doesn’t usually feel good, does it? No! It feels like a hugh metallic door (like the ones you see at large manufacturing facilities) comes crashing down, right? It even feels like a bit of a sucker punch.
Because it is. Even if unintentionally, “yeah but” closes the conversation. It’s halts the energetic flow.
It creates a one-sided energetic exchange and an icky power play. It implies someone isn’t really listening to understand and engage, but rather, they are listening to respond (and, usually with their own agenda).
This is even true when you “yeah, but” yourself in your own mind.
Such as, when you tell yourself you are going to take massive inspired action, and then when you do, that little (and, sometimes very loud) voice in your head whispers (or screams), “yeah, but!”
You stop dead in your tracks, as a result.
When, in fact, what you mean to say is: “yes, AND” — the ultimate bridge builder and conversation elevator. “Yes, and” implies a desire to engage, to offer more to the conversation, and to seek real solutions.
“Yes, and” offers the energy of: “I see you, I respect you, and I value your thoughts and opinions.” It stems from compassion, kindness, presence, generosity, and grace. And, it’s one of the most underrated game changers to cultivate deeper, more meaningful connections and relationships.
Strategies to Destroy the N.O.I.S.E.
The irony is that we don’t even realize how often we use these phrases in our everyday conversations, whether with others or with ourselves.
Consider this your wake up call.
And, don’t be surprised if you really start to notice just how much these phrase show up. Like when you think of a VW Bug and then all of the sudden you see one at every stoplight.
I know all too well how the awareness can be a bit startling and a bit in your face. So, if you feel the need to cuss me out a bit after reading this, and you start to notice this NOISE more, feel free to let it rip.
Trust me, you wouldn’t be the first person. In fact, I had a group of clients in one of my masterminds that created a hashtag to assist with these aha moments: #dycb (meaning: “Damn you, Candy Barone”).
#1: Be Impeccable & Intentional with Your Words
As Don Miguel Ruiz shares in his phenomenal book, and highly revered book: The Four Agreements: A Practical Resource to Personal Freedom:
“Be impeccable with your word.”
Words carry a powerful vibration & energy that creates your reality.
When used in alignment with your integrity and higher self, they are magical, powerful catalysts. Therefore, the invitation to you is:
- Speak with integrity and say only what you mean.
- Avoid using your words to speak against yourself.
- Discontinue criticizing, judging & gossiping about others.
#2: Identify Negative Self-Talk, Filters & Frames
As we break down the components of N.O.I.S.E., the “N” is the negative self-talk, filters and frames you are creating for yourself.
Often, you are unconscious of the ways you berate, demean & self-deprecate all over yourself, how you shut down your light or keep yourself playing extremely small.
By creating self-love for yourself, you can share that love out with others. It starts with being more mindful of both your thoughts and the words you speak, to yourself & others. It also helps to create space at the beginning and end of the day to practice self-care and self-love.
Perhaps, you might take time to really look at yourself in the mirror (when you first wake up, and when you are getting ready for bed). Simply gaze lovingly into your eyes and speak words of love to yourself (e.g., I love you. You are a powerful child of God. You were designed for greatness, etc).
#3: Energy Goes Where Intention Flows
Remember, that words have power: that what you think and speak about, you bring about. Thoughts with feelings are extremely powerful and create the energy to manifest whatever is showing up in your life.
Your current situation is a result of the thoughts and words you chose in the past that you gave feeling to.
Now, while you cannot fix the past, you can create a more powerful and purposeful future. What you choose to think about, speak about … and, more importantly feel about, you will bring about in your life.
You are manifesting your future right now with the beliefs you are holding onto and the stories you choose to tell yourself.
Ask yourself: What is it I really want in my life? Then, visualize the very thing you want, and tell yourself: “So be it. This or something better!”
The words we choose, both outloud and in our own minds, have a profound impact on our lives and our interactions. They shape our beliefs, our mindset, what we manifest, and ultimately, our results.
It’s time to take back control. To be intentional, thoughtful, and discerning about the language we use — especially with ourselves.
No more “I’m sorry” when we really mean “I apologize.” No more selling ourselves short with “just” and “yeah, but.” Instead, commit to being impeccable with your words, use them as the catalysts for greater growth, abundance, and self-love.
I encourage you to start noticing the NOISE — the negative self-talk, opinions, inefficiencies, “shoulds,” and excuses (which I will be talking about over the next four articles) — that so often goes unchecked.
Shine a light on what you think and speak about. Challenge it, and replace it with empowering, expansive language. For, it is what you bring about.
Remember, life is NOT happening to you! Rather, you are calling to you everything that is showing up.
The future you seek is on the other side of the words you use. Speak them with purpose, intention, conviction, and self-compassion. In doing so, you unlock the door to your greatest potential.