Now, I am all for mastery and creating greater discipline to rise to the next level. That being said, I also think we shortchange ourselves from truly living life with all the extreme demands we place on ourselves.
For instance, let’s take the diet and fitness industry for a moment. I believe there’s a tremendous opportunity to become healthier overall as individuals, and as a nation. I also think we have a system for illness and not one of wellness, here in the United States.
Yet, when we live in this very extreme mentality, meaning “all or nothing.”
We set ourselves up for disaster and self-deprecation. Most of us are not wired or designed to live in the extremes. And, I also would offer that the idea of “moderation” is overplayed, as well.
So, let’s break down the effect of living from an “all or nothing” mentality, and why our current definition of “moderation” isn’t working.
Let me just say, that as a recovering control freak and perfectionist, I am all too aware of the damaging effects of living from a space of the extremes.
It nearly cost me my life 15 years ago (when I was still in the throes of my corporate climb), as I ended up in the hospital with debilitating chest pain.
I thought, at the time, that I was having a heart attack.
Needless to say, I had manifested a mass in my chest due to the toxic load of stress and unhealthy habits I was placing upon my body and my system.
When we go “all in” in all facets of our lives, we leave little room to be human. Again, I believe strongly in the power of discipline and deliberate practices for the right things, but not everything. I also believe in living the 80/20 rule, where there is room for space and grace.
In his book, Secrets of the Millionaire Mind, T. Harv Eker illustrates why when we go all in and don’t leave room for play, it can set us back instead of forward. He shares the example about how you work your money.
If you put all your money only into accounts to save for something, and leave yourself nothing to play with each month, at some point you will rebel. You will go on a spending spree to reevolt. It’s human nature.
We hate being “told what to do” (at least I know I do, even when it’s me telling me what to do … I’m like a 5-year old, with my hands on my hips, having a hissy fit, saying, “you’re not the boss of me. You can’t tell me what to do”).
And, when you feel confined or limited in your freedoms, you will eventually push back and have somewhat of an adult temper tantrum.
It’s why when people go on strict diets, they end up binge eating at some point. When we limit our perception of our freedom too much, we will eventually revolt against the machine (even if that machine is our own way of thinking, and the limits we imposed upon ourselves).
Now, let’s add the notion of “moderation” to the mix.
This is a preset cop-out we put in place (often unconsciously) to stop us from taking full ownership and accountability of our choices and our agency.
What I mean by this is the mindset around moderation gets in our way.
It’s the same thing, in my opinion, about creating “treat days” for yourself when on a strict diet protocol. Honestly, we are setting ourselves up to fail. We are coming from a place of restriction and scarcity, in this case, whereas, we will berate and punish ourselves if we fall short somewhere.
And, when we do falter, we then completely unravel and just say “f*ck it” and then slide down a dangerous spiral of shame and regret.
Think about it this way. Say you were going to make an omelet. You go and take the eggs out of the fridge. As you take the eggs out of the container, one drops on the floor and breaks. Now, likely, you are not going to then throw the remaining eggs on the floor. No, you are going to clean up the egg, grab some other eggs, make your omelet, and move on.
However, somehow when we falter or fail in the extremes, we end up throwing all the eggs on the floor if one falls and breaks. We “throw in the towel” and allow ourselves to wallow in the “failure” of our attempts.
What we need to do, instead, is practice space and grace … inside the energy of personal responsibility and accountability.
This builds our resiliency muscle.
Resiliency is born in between the space of reaction and response.
The more we allow ourselves freedom in our frameworks, the more we can hold ourselves accountable to how we show up, and then respond to the unexpected, to the setbacks, and to the learning curves themselves.
Also, we tend to create these limitations within the extremes based on watching everyone else. So, we don’t even set up our approach in a way that serves us best. Again, I bring this back to understanding your design, the energetic blueprint and the unique way you are wired.
One person’s deliberate practice is not the same for another. In fact, one person’ practice might actually be of detriment to someone else, simply due to how they are wired and access energy.
What works for one, may not work for another.
It’s another reason why I love Human Design, and am so fascinated with what we can learn about ourselves in terms of how we operate best.
I’ll give you another example. Depending on your variables (the arrows at the top of your Human Design chart), you might be someone who operates best by having a structured and consistent way you consume or digest food and information. You do well to eat at the same time everyday, and likely every couple of hours to maintain your best energy.
Someone like me, however, finds this completely jacks up my system. I do better to fast and eat when it feels right for me, rather than living by a schedule and predictable routine. For instance, I cannot eat breakfast. Eating before 11:00 AM or even early afternoon makes me nauseous. I tend to eat in smaller windows, and how much I eat varies day-to-day.
Understanding that about myself has been a game-changer.
And, I feel I have a better grasp of how to eat for me without putting myself through extremes restrictions and unhealthy food cycles.
I struggled for years with binge eating, then shaming myself, and abusing fat burners, and the gym, as a result. When we live in the extremes, especially when based on what we think we “should” do as we try to copy others, we set ourselves up for addiction and burnout.
Life is not a black-and-white, this or that, or cookie-cutter roadmap.
We all have a duality that lives within us. In fact, when you start to understand your unique energetic blueprint, you also start to see where you have some natural “fight” or resistance within yourself.
It’s part of the journey we are here to experience, the Soul Curriculum that is yours to live out. It’s part of what you are here to achieve is being able to bridge the opposing energies and learn to dance effortlessly in that duality.
And, the operative word is: experience.
We need room to play in the gray, and in all the colors. We fundamentally are here to experiment, play, and learn to explore the facets and nuances of who we truly are, and who we are meant to be.
We are also here to enjoy our lives and feel a sense of fulfillment.
Something that is massively missing from the majority of the population … the sense of real fulfillment. Our lives are so focused on what we can achieve, how much we do, and the output, that we’ve lost sight of the meaning of life in and of itself …
To be the authentic truth of who we are, expressing the fullness of our gifts, and capturing the feelings of pure joy, peace, and fulfillment along the way.
It’s not about this restrictive, punshing, myopic, all-or-nothing, very narrow lens of what we are allowed and not allowed to do, have, or be.
We need to be more gentle with ourselves.
When you do the work to remember who you are, learn to listen to and trust your own body and intuition, and understand the “how” of your own energy, you then can discern what feels “right” or “correct” for you.
The point being: you have the agency to decide for you.
It’s not about someone else giving you permission, or deeming something worthy of you or not. It’s not about maintaining a limiting belief around what you are allowed to have or be, or not allowed to have or be.
It’s about you learning how to do you.
You then allow yourself the indulgences that bring you real joy (not the superficial kind), without the shame, regret, and self-deprecation. You say “no” to the coping strategies and things that “numb” you out.
Because if we insist on living in the extremes, we often are truly missing out on the experience of living life itself.
We stop trying new things. We lose our sense of wonder, curiosity, and awe. We punish ourselves for “not being enough” or “being too much.” We forget how to love ourselves, be gentle with ourselves, and extend more grace.
We create limiting beliefs and a sense of rules that at some point we WILL rebel against. We will shut down. We will lose the compelling “why” connected to the reason we want the thing in the first place.
If instead, we learn to dance between our own duality, and learn to play in the gray and the spectrum of color, we will find our own truth.
We will then stop comparing ourselves to everyone, let go of how we think we “should” be, and give ourselves the opportunity to feel the beautiful flow of life energy around us, thus being who we were meant to be.
We will tap into a new way of being-ness.
One that is purposeful, yet not restricted. That is deliberate, yet not punishing. One that is open, yet not without structure.
It’s all about creating freedom in the framework that works best for you.
Let go of the idea of “all or nothing” and being so restrictive in how you get to live your life. Allow the flow of life to guide towards your truth and experience the richness of all life has to offer along the way.