I used to be ashamed of my tears.
Oh, they used to frustrate the hell of out me. Whether something moved me, and touched my heart, or if it was because I was frustrated and angry.
I have always been a crier, even though I used to hated that about myself, and I would do everything in my power to shut the tears down. And, the emotions (all of them), if I am being honest.
I mean I am the one who cried as a kid when none of the other reindeer woud play with Rudolph, or when Frosty melted. I actually cried in two different scenes in Home Alone (a running joke in my family still to this day).
I mean how do you not feel touched and deeply moved when Kevin realizes that all he wants for Christmas is his family, or when he watches out the window as the old man gets to hug his granddaughter. I mean, c’mon!
The are very few movies where my eyes don’t get misty at some point or I full on cry. I’ll call my mom or sister and tell them, “you have to see this movie, it totally made my cry.”
Of course, there response always is, “Seriously, Candy, what movie doesn’t make you cry?”
For the longest time, this created such a shame storm for me. I was embarrassed that my tears so easily fell, that my emotion and tenderness was so raw. People used it against me.
I did everything I could in my younger years to be stoic, as a result. To suck down the energy moving through my body, to force the tears to stay put.
And, for the most part, I actually began to master it.
I would put on such a front at times, that then I started being called things like “hard ass” or the “ball-buster” or the “ice queen.”
I would hear, “Candy’s a powerhouse, don’t mess with her.”
Especially during my 20 years in corporate. You know, the place where vulnerability is not only frowned upon, it’s nearly forbidden. And, when you work for Fortune 100 companies in mostly male-dominated fields, tears and vulnerability were career suicide.
So, I learned to play the game … you know, the go ‘balls-to-the-wall, never let them see you sweat or falter, and definitely never ever show your poker face or hand’ mentality.
As a an engineer by degree, who moved rapidly up the ladder in the sales and service functions of the organizations I worked for, I learned to keep it all in check (at least at work, at home … entirely different story. I cried a lot back then out of frustration, exhaustion and not feeling seen).
And, I’d say I kept things in check for the most part. I definitely had my explosive moments when the build-up got to be too much.
So, I exploded.
Funny though, anger seems to be an acceptable emotion in those environments. Kind of ironic, if you really think about.
And, there was plenty of that to go around.
I can remember far too many leadership meetings that were nothing more than screaming matches of who could throw down better, pushing agendas out of fear, and due to the unconscious and unspoken frustration, fear and additional emotions that were escalating in the room in those moments.
But, nobody talked about it.
Well, unless there were several shots and usually a few martinis around us. Happy hour was our sanctuary and the only place where any kind of emotions got shared (and, not in a healthy fashion, I might add).
We would all congregate together, usually on both Thursday and Friday late afternoons or evenings after to work to just “take the edge off” and “blow off some steam.”
And, we blow off some steam, alright. I can recall far too many late nights and wasted moments trying to “taking the edge off.”
We even used to have wagers on who was going to break first. Or, we’d create rules stating you could only piss and moan for 30 minutes. Anyone that kept bitching and complaining after than would have to do a shot.
Man, did we put some shots and alcohol down in those days.
Definitely not anything I am proud of as I look back over those years and reflect on some of the choices I made. Yet, it was such common practice …
After I had a hard rock bottom moment back around the age of 35, where I found myself in the hospital due to overwhelming stress and anxiety, I started to take real inventory of my life, and the choices I was making.
It was either that, or start digging a grave for myself … as I was on a rapid decline down a slippery slope back then.
As I spent more time feeling my emotions, I began to lean in and get honest about who I truly was (and am). And, I did a LOT of healing in the process.
Looking back over the last 15 years, I hardly recognize that version of me who felt so lost, so broken, so not truly seen, and like a fraud. Yes, imposter syndrome was fierce back in those days.
It’s taken a lot of work and time to shed those layers.
One of the tools I accessed when I was in my deep work was Human Design. I had a client share it with me about 5.5 years ago. I was already doing some pretty solid spiritual growth work and healing at the time, but something shifted on an entirely different level what I started to really explore my own individual wiring and they way I operated.
I felt a sense of relief and understanding that I never had experienced before. I felt seen for the first time, and that some of what I spent years, decades really, being shamed for and feeling shamed by, was actually some of my innate superpowers and gifts.
I am an emotional and sensitive person.
And, I recognized that this is who I was. Who I am. That this is part of how I am able to deeply connect with others, to feel their pain, to demonstrate real empathy. And, it is the way I communicate and manifest.
In fact, I have a rather specific channel from my Emotional Solar Plexus that connects to my Throat Center (Channel 35–36) that is part of my chart. This is my Manifesting Generator path energy.
Part of my Soul Purpose is to share my gifts and leadership with others through my passion, and my emotional experiences.
My vulnerability is my freakin’ superpower.
Once I began to embrace that, and fully embody my truth, I found myself observing emotions from a new vantage point.
I also recognized many instances in my life where when I allowed myself to feel the fullness of what was in my heart, along with the depth of my emotions (all of them), and the passion that moves me so easily from within me … how I was able to connect, inspire, influence and impact, as a result.
My emotions made me real, and relatable. They made me human.
So, now I allow myself to be in pure flow. Often when I am running workshops or training corporate teams, my eyes will water as we hit on something that is sometimes a powerful ‘why’, or massive a-ha that changes someone’s perspective in a way that also changes their life.
I’ve had numerous men come up to me afterwards during different training sessions expressing newfound emotions, or sharing stories with me about how the work we do together has opened up new communication channels with their kids and their spouses.
Several have even shared that they believe this work helped to save their marriages. That they are finally able to really connect with the people they love most. When you hear testimonials like that, how do you not feel emotionally connected to that impact and be deeply moved?
Several years ago, I was back at Northwestern Mutual (one of my old stomping grounds from my previous corporate days) delivering a training to a group of female financial representative interns.
One of the young woman raised her hand as I was talking about why leaders needed to embrace vulnerability rather than run away from it.
She commented: “The guys in the office make fun of me all the time because I get teary-eyed, and emotional, and even sometimes cry, with clients.”
There it was. That shame shit show. Live and in motion again.
I could feel her cringe as she spoke it outloud. I could feel the depth of the shame and frustration she was carrying on her shoulders. I could feel her seeking some kind of approval and validation that she wasn’t flawed.
And, it took me back. Back to those years when I constantly (and repeatedly) beat myself up for the same damn thing.
I leaned in and said softly, as if I were just talking to her, but loud enough and clear enough for the other women to hear:
“Have you ever thought to ask those guys why they don’t? I mean, what stops them from getting emotional? Last I checked, you all are in the business of creating safeguards that, god forbid, if something were to happen, people’s families and children would be financially protected, they would be provided for.
How do you not get passionate and emotional about that? You are literally protecting their livelihoods. You are creating a meaningful legacy.
Perhaps, the next time one of those guys says that to you, you can ask them ‘why they don’t, and what they are leaving on the table because they are missing that opportunity to connect deeply with their clients.”
She smiled and responded, “ I like that. Because my clients love me. They trust me, and they know I’ve got their back.”
Exactly.
I used to get teased because no matter which account we went into during my days at Johnson Controls, someone would come running down the hall to hug me. My service tech thought it was crazy. But, I also knew that he secretly loved it. And, I worked with facilities directors in school districts (not exactly the ‘soft, warm, and fuzzy’ type, if you get what I mean)!
My point is this: we are spiritual beings having a human experience, and our deepest need is to be loved and feel connection. Real connection.
We are so disconnected as a culture these days.
We don’t allow ourselves to really be seen, or to be vulnerable, or to have our human moment. We don’t lean in and connect. We don’t create spaces for others to feel the same.
And, we are missing out. Deeply and profoundly.
Part of our human experience and Soul Curriculum is to feeling our feelings. Our emotions are signals. They serve us as they let us know when we are in alignment and when we are out-of-whack.
Our emotions are our safeguards, our protectors, our truth-tellers. They give us the pathway to connect back to ourselves. They call to us to stop us from heading down detrimental paths that lead to burnout.
It would serve us well to embrace the nature of our emotions.
To realize feelings can be our strength, despite the fact that for most people (especially in business) one of the most difficult phrases to speak out loud to others is: “I feel …”
I embrace that I am emotional, by nature. It’s not something to be shamed dismissed, or belittle. In fact, I see it as something to be celebrated, instead.
It is my superpower and my strength.
My tears often are a cathartic release, allowing me to release a build-up of toxins in my body. Or, they used to build up due to exhaustion and not taking proper care of myself. Other times, my heart swells when something moves me, and my tears may be from the overflow of love and gratitude.
They always tell me something: maybe I am stressed, frustrated, or my nervous system is overloaded. Perhaps, it’s time for me to rest and fill my cup back up. Or, it could be it’s a moment to savor and not let pass me by.
Now, I embrace all of it.
In fact, I’ve created a new metric in my life as a way to check in to see if I am intentionally leading my Living Legacy. My gauge is that if something didn’t move me to the point where either it took my breath away or my eyes welled up with tears that day, I then have to question and ask myself: “did I even really show up today? Where did I cop out and not connect?”
Because I know that when I show up, when I am being present in my life and in my interactions, something will touch my heart and speak to my soul. That in a moment, where I connect with another person, something sparks deeply in us both … even if it simply a moment of gratitude.
Sometimes, it’s as easy as taking my dog, Ernie Banks, for a walk. The way a tree bends a certain way, or the sun sets or rises, or a smile from a stranger, or a few words shared between us … it doesn’t matter. When I am present, I can’t help but feel the love and beauty all around.
And, it takes my breath away and sometimes a few tears may fall.
I now realize that my tears, more times than not, are the overflow of all the love I carry within in me, it’s the love around me, and it’s the knowing that we are all in this together. Those tears come from a place of deep wonder and appreciation that I get to be part of all of this.
Sure, there is a lot of bad things, awful things really, happening in the world right now. And, there is also a lot of good. What we focus on expands. When I focus on the feeling of love, I receive more reminders that love is all around me. My tears are the overflow of that joy.
It’s in those moments, I know I am alive … and I allow myself to take it all in and feel the depth and entirety of it.
Imagine if we leaned into our emotions more. Imagine how we would lead differently. For starters, we would have the capacity for greater empathy (a much needed skill in most business environments).
For reaching into the well of our own emotions, allows us to be far more compassionate with ourselves, and with the emotions of others. We hold a more generous assumption that people are truly doing the best they can with what they have, and we offer more kindness and grace, as a result.
I aspire to shift consciousness and raise the level of leadership within the work that so moves me. For, it is only in feeling and expressing emotion, that we can come together in connection and community.
Imagine if … indeed!