Let me start by saying that I LOVE me a good four-letter word.
If fact, most of my friends (and clients) would agree that swearing is one of my love languages. My mouth is a cross between that of a truck driver and a sailor, no doubt. And, I probably drop a good f-bomb 5+ times a day.
That being said, there are five four-letter words I’m not a fan of. I believe in order to raise the level of leadership, we need to strike them from our leadership language immediately and altogether.
What We Speak About
We bring about. It’s as simple as that. It’s simply the Law of Attraction in motion. Our words create our realities.
So, as leaders, we have a responsibility to be intentional about what we are calling in, and the energy of what we are putting out.
Every word has a frequency and vibration. And, many of our everyday words are actually holding us back. They are keeping us playing small versus positioning us from a space of personal empowerment.
In my opinion, there are five words that are the ultimate “four-letter” words in the English language. They are limiting in nature. And, often reside in an energy of lack and fear, and not one of possibilities.
You may not even be aware that there five words are holding you back and keeping you playing small in your life, business, and in your leadership.
So, I thought I offer you a new light to shine on them …
Word #1: “BUSY”
We have a warped sense of what we are here to do on this earth. Society has convinced us that winding and grinding, burning and churning, and hustling for the muscle are what we’re fundamentally here to do.
Not to mention, we think it’s a badge of honor.
We are addicted to being BUSY (Buried Under Shoulding Yourself) and distracted. Think about how we talk to each other … I’ll give you an example. Let’s say Bob and Sue are having a conversation:
- Sue: “Hey Bob! How are you?”
- Bob: “Ugh, I’m so busy. You have no idea. I have 5 pressing projects, my anniversary coming up, and my kids have tournaments this weekend.”
- Sue: “You think you’re busy. Please! I have 7 projects, my inlaws are coming to town, and my kid’s got this massive science project due.”
Do you notice anything in this back-and-forth exchange?
Go ahead … take a minute. I’ll wait.
Sue and Bob are not having a conversation. They’re having a bitch-fest, and moaning, and pissing, and complaining about how busy they are, and about how much their life sucks.
You see, we live in a culture where we have made the metric for success all about who can out-suck who! If my life sucks more … I win!
Holy crap, that’s crazy!
Think about it. Most of our conversations are more of an opportunity to one-up someone, then they are to really lean in, connect, and listen … all so that we can play the bigger martyr. So that we can be the biggest victim!
We complain and commiserate rather than connect and communicate.
We look for reasons to be busy … like somehow it makes us more worthy. For most of us equate our worth to our output, or how hard we’re running, or how many damn plates we’re spinning, or balls we’re juggling, or how ragged we are running ourselves.
\We never slow down, let alone stop the madness.
When in actuality, we were not designed to be constantly stressed, anxious and disconnected from our lives. We are not here to suffer 24/7.
We were NOT put on this earth to be BUSY!
We are missing the whole point. The reason so many people feel disconnected from their lives is because they have lost site of their “why” — they have piled on so much, they don’t even have time to breathe.
We need to slow down (or stop altogether) in order to speed up.
Stop celebrating how “busy” you are.
Instead, consider why you are so busy. What are you trying to compensate for? What truth are you afraid to face? What are you afraid will happene if you slow down, or drop the balls or the plates, or whatever else you are trying spin or juggle? What if you stop playing small, and redirected your attention to what matters most instead?
The word busy energetically sucks the life out of you (even if it’s unconscious). Plus, as a leader, your opportunity is to be more mindful and intentional about the words you choose to use.
Stop being busy. People tell me all the time, “wow, Candy, you’re so busy.” My immidiate response is, “No, I’m full.” Because when I say full, I know I am conscientiously choosing what I place my attention on.
I know to say “yes” to, and more importantly, what to say “no” to. And, both align with my why, and my Soul Purpose.
Imagine if you stopped being “busy.” You can start by replacing the word “busy” with words like: full, overflowing, fulfilled, engaged, and grateful.
Word #2: “NICE”
We live in a programmed culture that conditions us to be nice … especially young girls and women. We get told constantly, “you’re not being nice,” or “that’s not very nice of you.” When if we truly understood what being “nice” is costing us, we wouldn’t be so willing to oblige.
Personally, for me, the word “nice” makes my skin crawl. And, I always wondered why that word rubbed me the wrong way. So I decided to do a little digging and research to explore the meaning of the word, itself.
In studying the etymology (origin) of the word “nice,” I found that the connotation of the word is actually far more negative than I even thought.
From the late 1300s. it meant: foolish, ignorant, frivolous, senseless. From old French, it was defined as: careless, clumsy; weak; poor, needy; simple, stupid, silly, foolish.
Nice was derived from the Latin word, “nescius,” meaning ignorant and unaware … literally translating into “not-knowing.”
I don’t know about you … but, not ONE of those definition is appealing to me, and I have zero desire to subscribe to any of them.
Nice is a function of wanting to be liked, approved of, validated, and to be pleasing. It strips us of our power. It’s a plea to be accepted, for someone else to deem our worthiness and value.
Nice comes from a need to be accepted.
Nice keeps you busy (see the first four-letter word), people pleasing, and stuck (often in cycles of imposter syndrome). You find yourself constantly twisting and bending yourself into a pretzel trying to be everybody else’s version of who they think you should be.
Nice is the conditioning that leads you to shoulding all over yourself.
For, it allows you to let other people judge and dictate who they think you should be … it disconnects you from your true self.
Being “nice” and being “kind are NOT the same thing!
Being nice comes from a place of fear, from playing small. Nice is a low vibration energy. It stems from not feeling like you’re enough. Nice thinks it has to prove something … and, is seeking external validation.
“Nice is fuel for busy. Kindness is fuel for change. Know the difference.”
Being kind, on the other hand, comes from a place of intrinsic personal power. It’s a function of love … and, love of yourself first. Kindness is a high frequency, and allows you to create meaningful boundaries. Kindness comes from compassion, forgiveness, and grace.
Word #3: “CAN’T”
More times than not … when we say “I can’t” we actually mean “I won’t.”
Because there is very little we truly cannot do. Often it’s a choice we don’t even realize we’re making, and one that comes from limiting beliefs.
It’s a matter of fear. The fear of failure and/or success; the fear of looking foolish or like a beginner; and the fear of being uncomfortable.
We let what feels uncomfortable convince us that we aren’t able, that we don’t have the capacity or the capabilities to do something. Or, we think we need permission, that someone else needs to deem us worthy.
When, on the converse, you create the commitment within yourself to do something, there is very little that will truly hold you back.
Because it’s rarely a “can’t” situation.
More times that not, it’s a “won’t” or a “I don’t want to” situation.
So, replace your “can’t” with “how can I?” Or, consider adding a “yet” if you do hear yourself say that you “can’t” … such as: “I can’t do it, yet.”
These leave room for possibilites and to tap into the infinite field of potential to call forth a more confident and empowered you. From here, you can lead fully from love, with love.
Word #4: “FINE”
Such as in, “I’m fine” when someone asks you how you are doing. Even just saying that out loud … doesn’t that feel flat and blasé? It’s stale, lackluster, and unimaginative.
And, as leaders we are trying to tap into creativity, to stoke the fires of innovation. How does “fine” get us there? It’ doesn’t
We have this beautiful dictionary with a plethora of words to use to describe things, and our feelings. Why then do we insist of using the dullest options available to us. If words truly have magic and power … imagine if we chose words, as leaders, that evoked emotion, passion, creativity, inspiration, and thus, ultimately, innovation and change.
Wouldn’t we be able to move mountains, find new solutions, and instill an energy of joy and curiosity among our teams and communities.
This is our opportunity to lead.
Fine is a descriptor for a state or condition (e.g., that’s a fine piece of jewelry, or fine print); it’s not an actual emotion or feeling.
Fine is a cop out.
For, when people use “fine” it usually means they are checking out, not present, and absorbed in themselves. Fine is a default. It doesn’t require you to really show up and be seen. It deters you from really listening. And, it limits how deep you can connect with others.
Instead, try replacing “fine” with an actual emotion, or a word that evokes and infuses energy. Allow yourself to get raw and vulnerable, and then express how you are actually feeling. Share your truth, and lean into real, meaningful connections and conversations.
Word #5: “GOOD”
Just like the word fine, “good” is a lazy cop out and doesn’t really convey anything meaningful or of any relevance. When we use words like “fine” and “good”, we miss the opportunities to really connect with each other.
We end up just being two ships passing in the night.
My clients know that if they tell me they are “fine” or “good” (or, even “okay” … to add a sixth four-letter word to remove), they know we are going to stop and go deep. I warn them that those are not acceptable answers. I asked them how they were feeling … I expect just that.
It’s amazing what happens when they allow themselves to be with that, and to explore how they are truly feeling. It often ends up being the bulk of the coaching we do to really excavate what the emotion represents for them and how it connects and aligns to what they say they really want.
“I feel” is a powerfully prompt.
When we slow down and allow ourselves to feel our feelings, we can process, we can explore, and we can observe what that means to us … rather than identifying with it.
So, start replacing “good” with a more substantial, thought-provoking answers that opens up a conversation (with yourself and others) versus coping out and shutting it down.
Our words matter. They cast spells. Being intentional with the words we choose as leaders impacts the frequency and vibration we align to. It also creates and impacts your cultures and communities.
If you want to call in more, and lead from your highest and best capacity, then your words you choose need to match that intention.
For, what you speak about … you most definitely bring about.